I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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