I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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