Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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