Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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