True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
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I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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