The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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