i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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