No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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