Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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