I can tuck mytits in my pants
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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