Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
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You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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