I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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