You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
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Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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