Just fell off a train. Bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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