meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
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That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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