So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
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I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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