So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
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then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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