I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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