i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize