My liver just broke up with me...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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