If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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