Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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