after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she peed on how many people?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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