What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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