after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
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You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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