I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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