I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
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I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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