i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
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Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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