I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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