my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize