ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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