Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
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