i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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