Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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