Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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