I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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