I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
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I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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