I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
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My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
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She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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