dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
now i know why i became what i already was.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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