DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
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My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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