he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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