I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
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When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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