Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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