I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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