I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
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He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize