The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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