just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
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Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
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My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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