Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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