ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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