After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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